Acceptance

We all dream of acceptance. We as in all people. Not just gays. Not just foreigners. Not just weirdos. Not just minorities. All people. We all want to be accepted by other people. But why?

Why do I have this overwhelming need to be accepted by other people. Why do I want to fit in so badly? I really wish I didn’t.

I wish I didn’t have that need. That need I have to fit in. It isn’t really a need or want though, but actually a fear of standing out. That is why I want to fit in. I am scared.

I am scared of not being accepted. I am scared of being an outcast. I am scared coming out as gay will alienate me from the people I have become so close with. I wish I knew I would be accepted by everyone I come out to. But there is no way of knowing. The fear of the unknown is what controls me.

There is a inner conflict in me, though. And in all of us. We want to fit in while standing out. We want to be special. But standing out has a risk. When we try to stand out, we risk standing out too much. If we stand out too much we become an outcast. That is what I fear will happen to me.

I don’t want to stand out too much for being gay. But I still want to stand out in some way, so I make people laugh. That’s how I stand out. I make jokes in class. I’m sarcastic. I’m slightly rude. I say things other people can’t get a way with because I’m funny (or at least I think I am). My jokes aren’t only for laughs; they’re a defense mechanism.

I makes jokes about politics, current events, things, people, and my friends. My jokes can be funny and at times offensive. Whenever someone says something about me, I come back almost instantaneously with a joke about them. This keeps people off my back. They know if they say something about me, they will receive something even worse said right back to them.

This isn’t just protection from comments about me. It’s also protection from showing the real me. My sense of humor is part of me. No matter how sarcastic, dry, and rude it is. But I use that part of me to push people away. I make rude jokes about people. Those jokes push some people away. It makes others laugh. It keeps me from showing the other parts of me. The nice side. The caring side. The gay side. I use it as a shield to hide the other parts of me. And to stop people from getting close enough to see the true me.

Sometimes I let that shield down and show the real me. It’s nice. I can almost be the real me. The me that stands out not because I’m make jokes, but because I am myself.

I shouldn’t care if I stand out for being gay. I don’t care if I’m seen as an outcast by a lot of my “friends”. I might be an outcast with them, but I know ill be accepted with my true friends.

So who cares if you stand out in a way that isn’t the “norm”. I’m sure you fit just perfectly with the people you truly belong with.